I started this blog in 2016, when it came time for me to find a way to get off the medication that all but destroyed me, Lyrica. Well guys, I’m happy to announce: it’s been approximately 18 months since my last dose of Lyrica! I don’t know the exact day I took my last dose. I didn’t record that date because I didn’t want to give anymore time and thought to the devilish drug… I wanted to leave it behind COMPLETELY!

I know it’s been a while, but those of you who’ve been following for the last few years probably have me figured out by now.. It’s better late than never! I got distracted with life and never posted an update… Back to Lyrica…

It took me over three years to be free from the Devil, but I never quit. There were so many times I wanted to give up. When I had my car accident in October 2019, I briefly considered taking a pause on the titration, but I had come so far and wasn’t about to throw in the towel. I considered it again when the Pandemic shut down my treatment for the car accident – physical therapy, chiropractor, massage therapy, etc. – but I kept going. I’m so proud of myself for sticking with it because, I’ll be honest, it was a beast. Even though I had a very slow titration, I still experienced withdrawal symptoms during those years, which was completely exhausting. I used a lot of prayer and positive self talk to keep going. A huge motivating factor was my long term desire to have children. Because of that desire, I continued to focus on my health, and I was able to eliminate a few other medications after Lyrica. This was made possible because I worked really hard to become physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually fit. When I’m healthy in all four of these areas, there’s nothing I can’t accomplish…

Long story short, COVID threw a wrench in our plans… Joe and I married in our living room on July 1, 2020. We found out we were expecting on March 4, 2021.

We were absolutely over the moon! With as many female issues as I’ve had over the years, I was pretty convinced I wouldn’t be able to have children, so this was quite the surprise for me. I was still in shock when I called my OB’s office the next day. They scheduled me an ultrasound for two weeks later, at which time I would be six weeks pregnant. Joe and I initially weren’t going to share the news with anyone until after the first ultrasound. However, the following week, we decided to tell a few really close family and friends because we just couldn’t contain our excitement. We even decided to tell the kids. We started talking about names and thinking about decorating the baby’s nursery. We even discussed which house projects we wanted to tackle before the baby would get here. Finding out we were pregnant instantly brought so much joy to our lives, and our future was looking so bright. I don’t think I’d ever experienced so my happiness and love in my entire life. I was on cloud nine.

Thursday, March 18, 2021

I took the morning off for the ultrasound and figured Joe and I could celebrate with brunch afterwards, before I would go into work. My OB’s office had just loosened up COVID restrictions, so Joe was actually able to go to the ultrasound with me. Needless to say, we were full of gratitude and anticipation, as we were driving to the appointment; I couldn’t stop smiling. Once we arrived at the office, we checked in and went back to the ultrasound room…

Our sonographer was an older woman who’d been in the field for quite some time. She was very sweet and seemed incredibly knowledgeable. As she started scanning, she started to explain what we were about to see. As she continued to scan, she slowly stopped talking, and I noticed that the image on the screen didn’t look like she said it would – there was no “sack.”

She asked me when my last period was and when I had a positive pregnancy test. I began to think, “Maybe I’m not pregnant. Maybe the test wasn’t positive – maybe it was faulty – or maybe, what I thought was a line, wasn’t a line.” At that moment, I experienced some disappointment, just some sadness that I wasn’t, in fact, pregnant. I thought my visit was over, and I was about to get dressed, go out to brunch, and head to work. As I finished those thoughts, the sonographer said something I never expected to hear. Little did I know, I wouldn’t be going to brunch. In fact, I wouldn’t even be going to work that day or for many days to come…

Time stopped, when the sonographer said, “I’m worried that the pregnancy is in your tube…”

I was in a state of confusion because I had just convinced myself I wasn’t pregnant, but I actually was pregnant?.. maybe?… She began trying to locate the pregnancy…

I knew EXACTLY when she found it because it was painful, and she confirmed: I had an ectopic pregnancy. After the sonographer took multiple pictures, she told me to get dressed and the nurse would take me back to the exam room. At that point in time, spouses were only allowed to be present for the ultrasound and couldn’t go back to the exam room with the patient. I was devastated.

I was by myself, and, if I’m being completely honest, I was terrified. I couldn’t help but think about all the horror stories I’d heard about ectopic pregnancies. Amidst the chaos in my brain, I kept redirecting my thoughts to God and His plan for me…

Before I knew it, Joe was walking in the room. Thank God they allowed him to come back because I was lowkey sinking into a dark hole of panic. It took a few minutes before my nurse practitioner came in because she had to call my doctor, who was out of the office at the time.

When she came in, she explained that the ectopic pregnancy wasn’t actually in the tube – which only caused more confusion to my scrambled brain – it was actually a Left Ovarian Ectopic Pregnancy. She said the pregnancy wouldn’t survive, and I could find myself in an emergency situation at any moment. She said the pregnancy needed to be terminated, which would require hospital administered Methotrexate, a drug most often used to treat cancer. She told me the office was working to get me into Baptist Hospital East and would call with an appointment for, most likely, the following day. In the meantime, I had to get bloodwork done and rest.

At this time, Joe had to go back to the car, and there I sat, alone, waiting for them to call my name to go down the dark hallway to get my blood drawn. As I was sitting there with all my thoughts, feelings, and emotions, the sonographer came to give me a warm hug and a teddy bear. We cried together, and I know with all my heart, God sent her, so I could physically feel His comfort.

Just because acceptance is the answer – it doesn’t mean our feelings aren’t valid. Acceptance is independent of emotion. I can be sad, angry, frustrated, or anxious and still have acceptance. And that’s exactly where I was at. The feelings and emotions I had were all-consuming. There was an eerie calmness in the office, as word was spreading about my situation. Tears were streaming down my face as my blood was being drawn. Finally, I left to await the dreaded phone call.

The world began to fade away, and I found myself in an alternate universe with no thoughts, no feelings, no sound – complete numbness. I was completely detached from reality. I never could have imagined what was to come…

Until next time…

Hugs & love ❤

Chelsea

P.S. The next post I publish will detail every step of my ectopic pregnancy. Readers, please be advised: it may contain graphic content.

03.04.2021