So in my last entry, I said I wouldn’t let it go another 10 months before writing another entry. Well… it’s been nearly a year. If only I had a dollar for every time I’ve thought about making an entry…

The perfectionist in me, the part of me that wants you to think so highly of me, wants to hide under the covers out of embarrassment. At times, the fear of what others think of me is overwhelming. But when I take a step back and take a deep breath, I remember that I’m human, that I’m not perfect, and that it really doesn’t matter what you think of me. I didn’t start this blog to impress people. I didn’t start this blog as a business venture. I started this blog because I needed an outlet, a therapeutic way to process my experiences. In all honesty, yes, I started this for myself. I could use a journal to process everything, but by sharing my life publicly, I can hold myself accountable. I can face my demons head on, and by exposing my raw thoughts and being vulnerable and open about my life, I can in turn truly experience my feelings and emotions. If this happens to help someone along the way, that would just be an added bonus… and even if it helps just ONE person, it will have all been worth it.

I have so much anxiety in my chest knowing that I’m eventually going to post this, and I fear what’s going to happen when I hit “publish.” Is anyone going to read this? Are people going to think I’m dumb? Is anyone going to comment? Are people going to run to their friends and talk about how weird I am? But as I take a deep breath, I remind myself that none of that matters. What matters is that I’m taking action and facing my fears. Every time I find the courage to walk through fear, the freedom and joy I experience on the other side is indescribable. That’s what I call a silver lining.

Now that I’ve expressed some of my fears, I want to fill you in on what I’ve learned over the last 12 months.

  • I experienced work stress like I never have before. It started to affect every aspect of my life. I would come home from work mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I even broke down in tears a few times. It affected my relationships and took a toll on my health. I started getting migraines again, multiple times a week. With everything going on, I started praying a lot more.
    • What did I learn? I couldn’t do it on my own. I needed God’s help.
      • Silver Lining: My relationship with my Higher Power grew tenfold.
  • In talking with my family doctor, she described what needed to happen before I continued to decrease my Lyrica. She said I needed to clean up my diet and get in really good shape. After that appointment, I was left with mixed feelings. On one hand, it was a relief to know she felt alright about me staying on my current dose for the time being. On the other hand, how in the HELL was I going to be able to get in shape, when I was so exhausted after work and could only find it in myself to change straight into my pajamas when I got home.
    • What did I learn? I needed an attitude adjustment.
      • Silver Lining: I was able to have an attitude of gratitude and find perspective – I still had a job. I was physically able to work. Eating better and working out would only make me healthier. I had done it before – I can surely do it again.
  • After looking for jobs on and off for months, I finally had the strength and courage to move forward in pursuing other opportunities. By the grace of God, I landed the perfect position and was able to escape the fiery pits of hell. I wish I would have left long before. However, if I had, I wouldn’t have come across this amazing opportunity.
    • What did I learn? Well, this one I already knew… but I can always use the reminder: God’s timing is ALWAYS perfect.
      • Silver Lining: By staying at my old job for as long as I had, I grew so much as a person and employee. I gained more patience, love, tolerance, understanding, and compassion. I learned how to make the best of the situation I was in. My co-workers became my family – we were all in it together. Lastly, if I hadn’t stayed at my previous job for as long as I had, I wouldn’t have the gratitude and the appreciation for the job I have now. 

With all that being said, I’m ready to move forward. I’m ready to get in shape. I’m ready to clean up my diet. I’m ready to beat Lyrica! I’m so ready to do this! I’ve survived 28 years on this planet, and I’ve overcome many obstacles… If I’ve made it this far, I can make it through anything. The beauty of it all is that I don’t have to do it alone. I have a wonderful support group that will be with me every step of the way. And of course… The most important one on my side is God, and I know everything will happen in His timing. Today, I can trust in God’s timing, for experience has shown me that it’s always perfect.

This brings me to my final thoughts…

When I think about the task ahead of me, the fear is crippling. Why is the fear crippling? Read my next entry, and you’ll find out exactly why.

P.S. No, you will not have to wait another year to read it… because my next post has already been drafted. It’s about time I continue walking through fear.

💗 Hugs & Love 💕

 09.24.18 – Yes, that’s when I finished this blog entry. It took me until October 16, 2018 to find the courage to hit “publish.”