Mining for Silver Linings

17:16

This is not what I pictured my Wednesday night looking like… facing one of my biggest fears, FEELINGS.

I have been running from this blog post ever since December 2016 when I wrote my first entry. I don’t want to do this, but I know it’s what I need to do… I’ve known it for a while now, but each time I’ve thought about it, I just stuffed it… stuffing, whether that’s stuffing food or stuffing feelings, both unhealthy habits really.

Which it’s actually quite funny that I mentioned food because in about 20 minutes, I’ll be leaving for dinner… and will probably cope with my discomfort by stuffing, my face that is.

Until then…

I don’t even know where to begin… my thoughts are all over the place. I don’t have a subject, theme, content, ideas.. anything… I have no idea what letters are going to be typed next. That actually brings me to a thought

17:29

Shoot, I thought I got lucky for a second… my internet closed on me, and I thought everything was erased, and I’d be off the hook… but I’m not that lucky.. kinda forgot this is 2017, and stuff just saves on its own whenever it wants  8-|

Back to that thought… I was going to mention the fact that it’s not just letters that I don’t know which are coming next… but that applies to everything in life.

So what’s next?…

Well, something just dawned on me – the time that lapsed while my internet closed out and pulling up the site again, I actually REMEMBERED what thought I was talking about. That brings me to my next point (which I don’t even think I’ve made a point yet, but that’s besides the point)…

17:36

What has happened since my last post, back in December 2016??? *sighs and shakes her head* …

Well, aside from moving out, the ‘rents moving away, getting a full time job, my sisters moving back to town, turning a year older, among others… I’VE MANAGED TO DROP 25mg ON MY LYRICA!

And that right there my friends is what you would call a MIRACLE… if I ever doubted, I know for certain: GOD IS REAL.

I’m telling you guys, I’ve tried getting off of this drug for YEARS. Something happens though, when you turn your will and your life over to the care of God… I surrendered. I knew I could not do this on my own. I knew I could not beat this drug. So I asked for help, and not just help from my doctors, family, and friends, but from my loving and gracious God. When I surrendered, I actually gained some Power, and I knew I could do this…

17:45

OK – heading to dinner now… BRB

22:05

Aaaaannnddd I’m back. I’m extremely exhausted and just want to shower and go to bed, but I promised myself I would finish this entry.

So back to that Power I had mentioned… Why have I needed it?

1. I cannot do this physically.
   • I don’t have the energy.
   • I don’t have the strength.
   • I don’t have the endurance.
2. I cannot do this mentally.
   • Trying to grasp reality is absolutely exhausting.
   • The thought of taking this on is overwhelming.
   • I feel crazy.
3. I cannot do this emotionally.
   • I cannot even begin to describe the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on.
     • All I want to do is stuff my feelings.
   • The mood swings are no joke.
4. I cannot do this without spirituality.
   • If I have no faith, I might as well not even try.
     • I must believe: with God on my side, ANYTHING is possible.

Once I accepted the fact that I cannot do this on my own will-power, and I turned it over to God, things started to change… starting with my perception. I was able to let go of some of the anger. I was able to remind myself that NOTHING happens in God’s world by mistake. That if for no other reason, this experience will benefit me in the future and will allow me the opportunity to help someone. That if for no other reason, this is an opportunity for me to strengthen my relationship with my Higher Power. After all, I must keep my dependence on Him if I want to stand a chance at conquering this demon. I was able to remember my blessings, find some gratitude…

I’ve come so far from those days lying in a hospital bed back in Spring 2011… I was in such a dark place, and if there was a light at the end of the tunnel, it was very dim. I was scared and felt all alone. I would repeat the same two questions over and over again: “Why?” and “Why ME?” I just couldn’t understand… I was so young and was supposed to be living the most carefree years of my life, yet I was paralyzed, lost and isolated. I couldn’t see past those dark days. I didn’t have the ability to zoom out and look at the big picture…

Today, I’m able to zoom out. I am able to see how all the dots have connected. All of that pain and suffering prepared me for the days ahead of me. God knew I was going to need some faith for the things to come in this life. If I could make it through THAT, I know, without a doubt, I CAN make it through this.

Once upon a time, I never thought I’d be able to mine enough to find the silver lining… but after some time, God’s time that is (which is always perfect btw), my burdens were no longer problems… My perception started to change, and I found out that all along, my trials were actually blessings in disguise.

Today, I can ALWAYS find some gratitude, and things could ALWAYS be worse. Today, every day is a good day. Not every day is easy; some are extremely rough… and the days between December 4, 2016 and October 25, 2017, have been trying to say the least. I’ll tell you more about them later… and I promise it won’t be 10 months down the road =D … It’s just past my bedtime. Goodnight.

^^^ Raw unfiltered Chelsea, right now… you’re welcome

Until next time…

Hugs and Love,

Chelsea ❤

P.S. I know all that was scattered, but I just had to get it out… or else, it never would have happened… kthanksbye [23:19]

10.25.17