I never intend to wait so long to publish blog posts. I never really stop writing. I have a journal that I’m pretty good at keeping up with. However, sharing my life with the world is still difficult.
With that said, it’s been over a year (November 2021) since I got vulnerable and shared the details of my ectopic pregnancy (March 2021) with you. I said I’d reveal the silver linings I found in my grief process. I started making notes about them, and then, it happened…
I got pregnant in February 2022. And before I knew it… I had my second miscarriage. It was earth shattering. My rainbow baby, my gift from God, my dream, was ripped away from me. Why?
And so I grieved… more… and then…
I got pregnant… again… and lost the baby… again… my third miscarriage. Why? Why me?
And so I grieved… more… and more… and more… and more…
And I felt all the feelings. And experienced all the emotions. I cried. I screamed. I melted down in the shower. I raged. I sobbed on my bathroom floor. I went to my recovery support group meetings online and in person and spilled my grief to rooms and zooms full of strangers.
I vented to my husband, and puppy, and therapist, and loved ones, and journal.
And it was good. And necessary.
But I was still empty. Just existing.
I was truly convinced I’d never experience joy again.
I walked around numb, playing this role of wife and friend and coach and bonus mom and sister and student and daughter and neighbor and teacher and homemaker… I did it all. But I was numb.
Grief is weird. For me, there was a constant underlying sadness, emptiness, and longing. And on top of that, I would go through occasional bouts of anxiety, depression, anger, confusion, and so on. I would also have moments of happiness and contentment. There was no rhyme or reason as to how these thoughts, feelings, and emotions would come on. They just did. And they cycled. Repeatedly.
But the best thing I did for myself was not resist what came my way. I experienced it all. Repressing nothing. I would filter my expression, however, because it wouldn’t be politically correct to tell the random lady complaining in the grocery checkout line, “Well, at least you don’t have three dead babies.” But I would release those thoughts and feelings afterwards. I found safe people and safe ways to let go of the grief bubbling inside.
Sometimes, I found acceptance. But other times I hated everyone and everything and had no desire to participate in life.
Sometimes, I was at peace with God’s plan and His timing, but other times, I was completely unsatisfied and pissed.
But there was something odd about this whole grieving thing…. through it all, I had serenity. I had this sense of ease and comfort in the midst of the chaos of grief. I think it’s because I just leaned in. I rested in grief. I didn’t deny it or try to power through it with work or prayer or exercise or shopping or cleaning or sleeping or eating or watching tv or reading books or whatever. Don’t get me wrong, those can be useful tools, but for me, I tend to go overboard and let those tools lead me straight into self sabotage by ignoring the very thing I need to face… pain.
I’ve experienced a lot of pain in my life. If there’s one thing life has taught me, it gets better. Pain is not just meaningless suffering. If nothing else, I can use my experience to help other people in the future. That’s what I held on to.
Although I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel… although I completely lost myself… although the grief was all consuming and powerful at times… although I truly questioned whether I’d ever experience joy again… I knew…. I knew that even if I never experienced joy again…. one day… there’d be another woman going through the same hell, and I’d be able to tell her you’re not alone… and that was enough for me…
In time, I figured there might be a good chance God would reveal the true blessing in disguise of the recurrent miscarriage burden, but it wasn’t my business to figure out.
And that’s where I found serenity. I thought: for now, it is what it is, and one day, I’ll be able to tell another woman, “me too.”
That was enough. And I held on, and kept going through the motions of life… I had no expectations. I had no idea where I was going or what I was doing. And I was walking around aimlessly. But…
I kept walking. I kept moving. I never stopped.
As far as the silver linings go, yeah… I found some… And in the beginning, I had to mine for them. But, they were there. Lots of them. And this whole mining for silver linings thing took me on a journey of self worth and discovery, and remarkable things happened.
I’ll tell you about the journey some day, but for now…
We got the call on my way home from my OB’s office. “We can get you into Baptist East in an hour.”
My husband, Joe, and I were 5 minutes away from home when we got the call. We went home, changed into comfy clothes, curled up in bed, and I started Googling… I had never heard of an Ovarian Ectopic Pregnancy or the drug, Methotrexate. This wasn’t the first time I’d received a diagnosis or been prescribed a medication, which I had little to no knowledge of. I’ve had health issues my whole life, so there was actually an odd comfort underlying everything. With that said, my research had begun. First, I started looking into Methotrexate treatment for Ectopic Pregnancy because this was the immediate concern. I saved the research of Ovarian Ectopic Pregnancy for later on.
As Joe and I were lying in bed trying to take everything in, people started texting us and asking how the doctor’s appointment went. We started sharing the devastating news, and I texted my boss and told her I wouldn’t be going into the office that day or the following day. I had no way of knowing what lied ahead, so I told her I was hoping to be back in the office that Monday. Looking back, it’s almost laughable.
PAUSE. – I’m pausing the story here because I’m having a hard time bringing myself to share these details. I know God has laid it on my heart to share this, and it’s no coincidence that it’s Baby Loss Awareness Week. There’s only a handful of people that know the details I’m about to share. Please hold me in your thoughts and prayers as you read what I’m about to share because it’s taking everything in me to relive this. Here goes nothing…
Joe dropped me off at the front entrance of the hospital, and I made my way to the Ambulatory Care Unit on the first floor, where he later joined me. I sat in the hallway all alone, waiting for a nurse to come take care of me. I was taken to one room at first, but there was a problem with the computer system. They tried to fix it to no avail, so they took me to a different room. Every time someone new came in my room, they offered their sympathies. I know they were trying to be nice, but honestly, the last thing I wanted to hear was a reminder of why I was there and for people to tell me sorry. I was polite though and just said, “It’s okay.” …I mean, what else was I supposed to say.
The nurse explained how everything was going to happen. She said she would have to draw a bunch of blood and send it to the lab to check all my levels and make sure they were in the appropriate range to administer the Methotrexate. Once the labs came back, they had to be approved by the doctor. Then, the medication would be ordered from the pharmacy. Once the medicine was ready at the pharmacy, my nurse would call the Oncology Unit and ask for a nurse to come administer the medication. Yes, you read that correctly – a chemo nurse had to administer the medication. Finally, I would have to wait a half hour before going home, just to make sure I didn’t have a reaction.
She started drawing my blood, and at some point I told her, “I’m about to pass out.” I was lightheaded and dizzy and started sweating. My vitals were out of whack, and I struggled to stay awake. They brought in blankets, gave me some apple juice, and reclined the chair. I so desperately just wanted to be home in my own bed, but unfortunately, I was going to be there for a while. From that moment on, it’s kind of a blur. I probably talked to Joe and tried to rest, but I’m honestly not sure what I did to pass the time. Hours later, my nurse finally came in and said everything was ready to go, and we just had to wait on the nurse that was certified to administer chemo. The nurse eventually came and gave me a shot in each buttock.. I think.. Again, it’s all a blur. I do remember asking her what to expect afterwards, and she said she didn’t know because she’d never administered Methotrexate for an ectopic pregnancy. No one there seemed to have had any experience with what I was going through, so once again, I was in the dark, lost and confused.
Finally, they gave me the OK to go home. When I got home, I started reading through the literature that was given to me about the drug and ectopic pregnancy. It was somewhat helpful, but it didn’t give me much insight on what to expect. I wanted to know what was going to happen, when I would start experiencing symptoms… You see, when Methotrexate is administered for this purpose, it’s supposed to break down the fetal tissue, and the mother’s body is supposed to naturally absorb the pregnancy. When I started Googling, I found all kinds of information regarding the side effects: everything from headache, abdominal pain, skin sensitivity, mouth sores, nausea, bleeding, hair loss, to lung inflammation, etc. Although there were numerous side effects, most everything I read made this process sound pretty painless overall, with mild side effects, and that it shouldn’t really affect normal everyday activities. I read that the bleeding shouldn’t be more than a period, and overall, it seemed like I’d be completely back to normal within a week, at most.
After my initial research, I was feeling hopeful that this wouldn’t be so bad. I kept researching because I really wanted to understand the ins and outs of an Ovarian Ectopic Pregnancy (OEP). I was surprised to find there’s not much information out there on this type of ectopic pregnancy. It is pretty rare though, so I guess it makes sense. Only 1 in every 50 pregnancies in the United States is ectopic. Most (95%) of ectopic pregnancies are located in the fallopian tube. Only 0.5% to 3% of all ectopic pregnancies are ovarian in nature. In other words, about 1 in every 17,000 pregnancies is an OEP. Of course, I would be one of them – go figure.
After learning about OEPs, I kept researching because I wanted to read about someone’s personal experience. I only found one story, but I still couldn’t relate because she started spotting early on and ended up having surgery. I couldn’t find a single account of anyone like me: discovered on first ultrasound, ovarian, treated with Methotrexate. Again, I was in the dark, all alone, just waiting to see what was going to happen…
The following is a detailed account of my experience, following Methotrexate treatment. The italicized portions are excerpts from my journal.
Day 1 | Thursday – March 18, 2021
I was cramping and laid around all day, but it wasn’t too bad, until I got up to go to the bathroom. It was extremely painful, and it brought me to tears. I had to hold onto the towel railing.
Day 2
It hasn’t been great from the start. I got up and took a shower, but I started to get dizzy towards the end. I couldn’t turn the water off and get my towel quick enough – I had to lie down right outside the shower because I thought I was going to pass out… After that, I took it easy and laid around all day. By evening, I wanted to get up and get out of the house – Purdue was playing the 1st round of the NCAA basketball tournament so I asked Joe if he wanted to go to the Manhattan Project for dinner. He said yes and got in the shower. I started getting ready and felt kind of blah. I wanted to go to the bathroom real quick before we left.
I started going to the bathroom, and suddenly, it became very painful, and I started to cry. I asked Joe to turn on the bathtub. I got in the bath, turned on some music and just cried. Joe held my hand, as tears streamed down my face. I couldn’t help but think of the baby that was slowly dying inside me. I was experiencing tremendous heartbreak, but at the same time, I was so full of love for Joe and had so much gratitude for him in that moment…
That moment in the bathtub is probably one of the most raw, vulnerable, and intimate moments I’ve ever had. Joe and I held onto one another, cried together, and prayed together. As Joe looked at me, I could see the pain in his eyes – that helpless feeling of being unable to make everything go away. I couldn’t have asked for a better partner. God sure blessed me with the best.
Day 3
This was a decent day, definitely better than Friday. I was so confused though. I still hadn’t started bleeding yet. I kept waiting for something more to happen. Of course, dealing with the physical and emotional pain was difficult, but that wasn’t the hardest part for me. In all honesty, the hardest part was the unknown – not knowing what to expect, when things were going to happen, what was going to happen, when I’d feel normal again. I struggled going to the bathroom again, but I took another bath and made it through the third day.
Day 4
This has been the hardest day so far. I woke up in excruciating pain at 6:45 AM. It was all on my left side: abdomen, ovary, butt, and leg. I couldn’t get comfortable and kept moving around – bed, bath, bed, bathroom floor, love seat, bath, bed…
That morning ranks close to the top of one of the worst mornings of my life. The pain was unbearable. I really and truly thought I’d end up going to the emergency room. I’m trying to think of how to describe the pain… I guess it was the worst charley horse x10 on the left side of my body, waist down. I was dizzy, my vision was blurry, the room was fuzzy, my hearing was muted, I couldn’t take a deep breath,
Day 5
Ihave fear and anxiety – I don’t know why. I’m depressed. I’m just experiencing all kinds of thoughts and emotions – I can’t make sense of them, but I don’t think I need to. I think I’m just going to be on a roller coaster for a while, and that’s ok. I’m incredibly grateful for Joe. I don’t even know where I’d be without him. He told the kids last night – they were sad…
I had my follow up visit with my OB, which is the first time I’d seen him because I saw my nurse practitioner on the day of the ultrasound. My OB explained the ectopic pregnancy, did a quick exam, and told me it was too early to tell if the Methotrexate was working. I had more bloodwork done, and he told me to come back Wednesday for an ultrasound and more bloodwork. He told me if things looked good on Wednesday and my HCG was dropping, there was a chance I could still go to California for Spring Break with Joe and the kids. He said I could have bloodwork done on Friday, and if my HCG was below 1,000, my risk of needing emergency surgery would be down to 10%.
Joe and I had a trip planned to California; we were taking the kids for Spring Break. Unfortunately, my HCG continued to rise after the first round of Methotrexate, and it wasn’t safe for me to make the trip to California. In fact, I had to schedule another round of Methotrexate. Joe and I had a terrible decision to make – whether or not he and the kids would still go to California. I felt in my heart that he needed to take the kids on vacation. I wanted the kids to enjoy spring break, and our house would’ve been a depressing place to spend it. Honestly, I wanted it for me, too. I finally started bleeding on day six, and things continued to get worse. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be able to cry out in pain without worrying about anyone hearing me. I would certainly miss Joe and the kids so much, but I knew deep down this was the best decision. Joe struggled with this and had a terrible time leaving me behind, but I kept reassuring him it was the right thing.
Day 11 | Sunday, March 28, 2021
I’m sitting here waiting for Joe to text me and tell me they made it to California. It’s been a hard day. It started at 9:00 AM with an 8 on the pain scale. I’ve been avoiding writing all day. It’s been hard – physically and emotionally. I’ve never cried this many days in a row. Today is #11 of crying and #5 of bleeding. Tomorrow, I go back to the hospital for another round of Methotrexate.
I got my second round of Methotrexate, and I experienced symptom after symptom. The bleeding part… Yeah, it wasn’t just a period for me. It was a good 3+ weeks of bleeding. When I was at the hospital waiting to get my second round of Methotrexate, I actually bled through 3 thick pads, all the way through my pants… That’s the first day I wore a pull-up. Yep, I was glad Joe and the kids weren’t there for that. I felt disgusting and was in so much pain. I would scream out in pain every trip to the bathroom. Certain movements caused incredibly sharp and shooting pains. This went on for weeks, to the point where my doctor considered surgery. He offered me surgery to end the misery, but I told him I wanted to stick it out, unless he felt it absolutely necessary. Luckily, it didn’t come to that. I made it through Joe and the kids being away. Joe was constantly checking in on me, as I passed my time hanging in “The Pit”… This is the nickname Joe came up with for our bed. We passed a lot of time in the pit together, and we still call it The Pit to this day.
Day 23 | Friday, April 9, 2021
I’m sitting on my bed, watching Caribbean Life on HGTV, dreaming about a life I wish I had. I’m feeling stuck – not back to myself physically, mentally, emotionally – but that’s to be expected. I’m absolutely miserable, depressed – have to force myself to do any/everything… I took a break because Joe came up here and asked if I wanted to go for a walk, so I put on my ripped jeans, a striped vneck, and some flip flops… The medical assistant from the doctor’s office called to tell me my bloodwork looked really good. I pulled up my results, and my HCG went down to 146, so that’s good. It was a bittersweet feeling. Things are going in the right direction, but it’s a constant reminder that I’m not pregnant.
I’m on quite the roller coaster. It’s about time I write a blog entry, as I’ve been off Lyrica for a year now. But writing a blog entry will open the door to getting in touch with my feelings, which will ultimately lead to a post about the pregnancy.. which will expose me.. But I think I’m ready to put myself out there – Hell, might as well show off my creations… I’m ready to be exposed for all that I am, might help someone, but most importantly, I won’t be alone in my feelings, as they’ll be out in the open.. never know what good might come from it…
Before everything was said and done, it took…
9 doctor’s appointments,
3 ultrasounds,
10 rounds of bloodwork,
2 hospital trips,
and a good six weeks to feel human again.
I certainly didn’t want to share any of this, but I want other women out there to know they’re not alone. Although I’ve yet to find a woman that’s experienced the same circumstances, I’ve had several women reach out about the loss of a pregnancy, and for that, I’m grateful. Grief, hormones, physical agony, and mental illness all wrapped in one have made things incredibly difficult. Thank you to everyone who’s been there for us and reached out to us. I’ve experienced a lot of pain and sadness, but overall, I’m at peace. Joe and I have a lot of gratitude and completely trust in God’s plan for us. Life is incredibly beautiful, when I choose to mine for silver linings, and I can’t wait to tell you all about them in my next post 🙂
Until next time…
Hugs & love ❤
Chelsea
03.28.2021 – The day before round 2 of Methotrexate.
I started this blog in 2016, when it came time for me to find a way to get off the medication that all but destroyed me, Lyrica. Well guys, I’m happy to announce: it’s been approximately 18 months since my last dose of Lyrica! I don’t know the exact day I took my last dose. I didn’t record that date because I didn’t want to give anymore time and thought to the devilish drug… I wanted to leave it behind COMPLETELY!
I know it’s been a while, but those of you who’ve been following for the last few years probably have me figured out by now.. It’s better late than never! I got distracted with life and never posted an update… Back to Lyrica…
It took me over three years to be free from the Devil, but I never quit. There were so many times I wanted to give up. When I had my car accident in October 2019, I briefly considered taking a pause on the titration, but I had come so far and wasn’t about to throw in the towel. I considered it again when the Pandemic shut down my treatment for the car accident – physical therapy, chiropractor, massage therapy, etc. – but I kept going. I’m so proud of myself for sticking with it because, I’ll be honest, it was a beast. Even though I had a very slow titration, I still experienced withdrawal symptoms during those years, which was completely exhausting. I used a lot of prayer and positive self talk to keep going. A huge motivating factor was my long term desire to have children. Because of that desire, I continued to focus on my health, and I was able to eliminate a few other medications after Lyrica. This was made possible because I worked really hard to become physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually fit. When I’m healthy in all four of these areas, there’s nothing I can’t accomplish…
Long story short, COVID threw a wrench in our plans… Joe and I married in our living room on July 1, 2020. We found out we were expecting on March 4, 2021.
We were absolutely over the moon! With as many female issues as I’ve had over the years, I was pretty convinced I wouldn’t be able to have children, so this was quite the surprise for me. I was still in shock when I called my OB’s office the next day. They scheduled me an ultrasound for two weeks later, at which time I would be six weeks pregnant. Joe and I initially weren’t going to share the news with anyone until after the first ultrasound. However, the following week, we decided to tell a few really close family and friends because we just couldn’t contain our excitement. We even decided to tell the kids. We started talking about names and thinking about decorating the baby’s nursery. We even discussed which house projects we wanted to tackle before the baby would get here. Finding out we were pregnant instantly brought so much joy to our lives, and our future was looking so bright. I don’t think I’d ever experienced so my happiness and love in my entire life. I was on cloud nine.
Thursday, March 18, 2021
I took the morning off for the ultrasound and figured Joe and I could celebrate with brunch afterwards, before I would go into work. My OB’s office had just loosened up COVID restrictions, so Joe was actually able to go to the ultrasound with me. Needless to say, we were full of gratitude and anticipation, as we were driving to the appointment; I couldn’t stop smiling. Once we arrived at the office, we checked in and went back to the ultrasound room…
Our sonographer was an older woman who’d been in the field for quite some time. She was very sweet and seemed incredibly knowledgeable. As she started scanning, she started to explain what we were about to see. As she continued to scan, she slowly stopped talking, and I noticed that the image on the screen didn’t look like she said it would – there was no “sack.”
She asked me when my last period was and when I had a positive pregnancy test. I began to think, “Maybe I’m not pregnant. Maybe the test wasn’t positive – maybe it was faulty – or maybe, what I thought was a line, wasn’t a line.” At that moment, I experienced some disappointment, just some sadness that I wasn’t, in fact, pregnant. I thought my visit was over, and I was about to get dressed, go out to brunch, and head to work. As I finished those thoughts, the sonographer said something I never expected to hear. Little did I know, I wouldn’t be going to brunch. In fact, I wouldn’t even be going to work that day or for many days to come…
Time stopped, when the sonographer said, “I’m worried that the pregnancy is in your tube…”
I was in a state of confusion because I had just convinced myself I wasn’t pregnant, but I actually was pregnant?.. maybe?… She began trying to locate the pregnancy…
I knew EXACTLY when she found it because it was painful, and she confirmed: I had an ectopic pregnancy. After the sonographer took multiple pictures, she told me to get dressed and the nurse would take me back to the exam room. At that point in time, spouses were only allowed to be present for the ultrasound and couldn’t go back to the exam room with the patient. I was devastated.
I was by myself, and, if I’m being completely honest, I was terrified. I couldn’t help but think about all the horror stories I’d heard about ectopic pregnancies. Amidst the chaos in my brain, I kept redirecting my thoughts to God and His plan for me…
Before I knew it, Joe was walking in the room. Thank God they allowed him to come back because I was lowkey sinking into a dark hole of panic. It took a few minutes before my nurse practitioner came in because she had to call my doctor, who was out of the office at the time.
When she came in, she explained that the ectopic pregnancy wasn’t actually in the tube – which only caused more confusion to my scrambled brain – it was actually a Left Ovarian Ectopic Pregnancy. She said the pregnancy wouldn’t survive, and I could find myself in an emergency situation at any moment. She said the pregnancy needed to be terminated, which would require hospital administered Methotrexate, a drug most often used to treat cancer. She told me the office was working to get me into Baptist Hospital East and would call with an appointment for, most likely, the following day. In the meantime, I had to get bloodwork done and rest.
At this time, Joe had to go back to the car, and there I sat, alone, waiting for them to call my name to go down the dark hallway to get my blood drawn. As I was sitting there with all my thoughts, feelings, and emotions, the sonographer came to give me a warm hug and a teddy bear. We cried together, and I know with all my heart, God sent her, so I could physically feel His comfort.
Just because acceptance is the answer – it doesn’t mean our feelings aren’t valid. Acceptance is independent of emotion. I can be sad, angry, frustrated, or anxious and still have acceptance. And that’s exactly where I was at. The feelings and emotions I had were all-consuming. There was an eerie calmness in the office, as word was spreading about my situation. Tears were streaming down my face as my blood was being drawn. Finally, I left to await the dreaded phone call.
The world began to fade away, and I found myself in an alternate universe with no thoughts, no feelings, no sound – complete numbness. I was completely detached from reality. I never could have imagined what was to come…
Until next time…
Hugs & love ❤
Chelsea
P.S. The next post I publish will detail every step of my ectopic pregnancy. Readers, please be advised: it may contain graphic content.
STOP. If you didn’t read my last blog post, “I’m still Alive,” you need to do so now.
Now that you’ve read the last post, I’ll continue…
In that post, I shared with you some gratitude I have. What I didn’t share is that I’ve cried more in 2019-2020 than I did in my first 28 years of life… tears of sadness, pain, regret, fear, dread, worry, and confusion. Those blessings, in the last post, came from burdens, and the only reason that happened is because I dug deep to find silver linings…
What if I told you…
… a loved one had to be sentenced to years in prison, in order for a relationship to be rekindled?
… a new-to-me- car came as the result of an interstate accident, totaling the last car?
… my time off work was due to the car accident on October 25, 2019, which I’m STILL in physical therapy for?
… the murder of my 17yr old cousin is what brought my family closer together?
… finding balance came from my husband getting in a motorcycle accident?
“I can find no serenity until I accept that [everything] is exactly the way it’s supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely NOTHING, happens in God’s world by mistake… unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy.”*
I started crafting my art of mining for silver linings in 2016, but it’s taken this long for it to become second nature. Mining for those silver linings is not something I necessarily want to do… However… I know that I have to be willing to do some stuff I really don’t want to do, in order to get the results I really want!
What results am I talking about, you ask? I’m seeking serenity. And what I’ve come to learn is that, without acceptance, peace of mind will cease to exist.
Burdens? Or blessings?
the loss of a best friend
financial hardship
a toxic living environment
countless phone calls with lawyers
betrayal
a pandemic
people dying
a custody battle
Without the “burdens” listed above, there would be no gratitude list in my last blog post.
I create my own reality, and it’s up to me how long I want to sit in sadness, pain, regret, fear, dread, worry, and confusion. As time goes on, and I continue to use the tools I’ve picked up along the way, the amount of time I sit in those unpleasant feelings decreases. And that’s all because I’ve learned…
“Acceptance is the key to my relationship with God today. I never just sit and do nothing while waiting for Him to tell me what to do. Rather, I do whatever is in front of me to be done, and I leave the results up to Him; however it turns out, that’s God’s will for me. I must keep my magic magnifying mind on my acceptance and off my expectations, for my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance. When I remember this, I can see I’ve never had it so good.”**
I have chosen to wholeheartedly believe that nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. I trust that He is not responsible for the evil in the world. I choose to believe He uses EVERYTHING for the good, and it’s up to me to find that silver lining, even if I have to mine for it.
Hi! It’s me again! Sometimes, it still takes getting kicked in the rear, before I’m willing to take action.
And as you can see, it’s been a while, a long while. This is long overdue, as always. And just like last time, someone mentioned to a group of people that I have a way with words and even created a blog… so yeah. Whatever it takes, I suppose.
I actually wrote an entire blog post a week ago, but I didn’t publish it. You see, I like to tell stories, in a way that will shape your perception of me.. display the image I think you want to see. However, my Higher Power always has a different story to tell. I believe my purpose is to shine His light. So every time I come up with a new entry, I wait to write or publish it. And I pray, and I ask God to inspire me and tell the story He wants me to tell.
Before giving you an update on my Lyrica journey, I’d like to express some gratitude for some things that have happened over the last year and a half. Here are some of the blessings that stand out…
I’m grateful for…
• a new job, a career opening the door to a bright future.
• the ability to love myself and grow in ways I never knew were possible.
• being able to run my first mile, since having hip surgery in 2012.
• getting engaged, married, and becoming a bonus mom.
• having a wonderful family, that’s become closer than ever.
• becoming a homeowner.
• finally making progress in the area of balance and time management.
• building meaningful relationships with coworkers.
• driving a new car.
• rekindling relationships.
• time off work to rest and work on myself.
• finding appreciation and joy in the little things.
Honestly, I could go on and on with how blessed I am and how much gratitude I have.
But hold on…
There’s more to this story.
What if I told you this gratitude list was more than just an ordinary gratitude list.. What if I told you this was a list of silver linings for my burdens, my blessings in disguise?
You matter! Yes, YOU, the one reading this right now…
This is for YOU!
You never truly know the impact you have on others, how many people care for you, and who’s holding you in their thoughts and prayers. Let me demonstrate by sharing a little story from the beginning of last month…
This 12 Step study group I’m in requires us to complete writing assignments and share them with the group. One of the ladies complimented me on my work and told me I should take up writing, as she thinks I have a talent for it. I didn’t dare tell her I started a blog a few years ago that I’ve failed to keep up with. On my drive home, I was thinking about what she said. However, that little voice in me told me I’m not good enough and don’t have anything good to write about anyway.
I didn’t dwell on it too much though, especially because I had nothing new to report about my Lyrica journey. Well, over the next week or so, I kept hearing this little voice that said,
“Write! Just do it!”
I still didn’t give much thought to it and pushed that voice to the side…
A couple weeks later, I found myself at the gym, and I could not stop looking at the clock. – Let me pause right here… Last year, I shared that my doctor told me I need to improve my physical health and get in really good shape before I continue dropping my Lyrica. Well, I finally started taking action, thus me being at the gym. – Continuing on… I kept looking at the time on the arc trainer, so I told myself I couldn’t look down until I listened to one full song. I started looking around, and before I knew it, twelve minutes had gone by. So what happened in those twelve minutes that made it pass so quickly? Well, I got out of my own head and suddenly found myself thinking about other people. I started observing those around me…
To the girl wearing jersey #520, you are working so incredibly hard. Your fierce determination motivates me. Keep it up!
To the frail lady in the ball cap battling chronic illness, I’ve been worried because I haven’t seen you. You’re always in my prayers. You look ill today. I can tell you’re in pain. Keep fighting! You’re not alone!
To the older gentleman who loves crossword puzzles, where are you? I’ve missed seeing you. I hope all is well. P.S. I’ve always wondered how you manage to walk on the treadmill and do the paper’s crossword puzzle. That takes talent. I would fail miserably!
Ms. Drop-dead Gorgeous, I’ve noticed guy after guy hitting on you. I hope they’ve all said kind words to you and treated you with the dignity and respect you deserve!
To the largest man in the room, keep suiting up and showing up! You’re doing great! You inspire me!
To the attractive woman across from me, how do you get your hair to look so good?! It’s on point for sure. My hair doesn’t even look that nice when I try my hardest, and I’m NOT working out!
To the parents bringing adolescents to the gym, I applaud you for incorporating health and exercise into the lives of your children. You’re the real MVP!
To all the ladies in the locker room nursing and finishing up school/business work before or after working out, y’all are badasses. Rock on!
To the lady who complimented me on my headband, thank you! You put a smile on my face just when I needed one most 🙂
To the ladies at the front desk, you make my day every time you check me in. You radiate positive energy my darlings!
It’s amazing how much time passed just thinking about and praying for those around me, and I was finished working out before I knew it! Then, out of nowhere, I heard the voice again,
“Write! Just do it!”
There you have it. The rest is history. And with all that being said…
You never know…
You never know who’s watching. You never know who you impact. You never know who you’re motivating, who you’re encouraging, who you’re inspiring.
YOU matter!
People are watching. You’ll never know how many people are holding you in their thoughts and prayers. I guarantee you that not a single person I mentioned has any idea they’ve been in my thoughts and prayers. I doubt they even noticed me there.
On your darkest day, when you feel like the world is caving in, you could be the brightest light someone sees all day and not even know it. Now, THAT is what I call a silver lining.
How fitting is it that HELP IS A PRAYER AWAY is hanging in the background. No, that wasn’t planned. 05.15.19
Back to the whole, this blog being about getting off Lyrica thing… well… the titration has begun. You’ll have to read my next entry for an update. Yes, I’ve already started drafting it. No, it probably won’t be posted any time soon… just being honest. I have realistic expectations of myself these days hahah.
What exactly is there to fear about this whole getting off Lyrica thing??
I don’t want to let it go. It’s my crutch.
What am I going to do without Lyrica?
How am I going to cope with the pain?
For the past couple years, I’ve blamed Lyrica for my bad memory… what if I get off Lyrica and my memory still sucks?!
I have to clean up my diet and get into shape. Yeah… I know… It’s healthy to do that. And actually, I kinda like it – I always feel so much better when I’m eating clean and exercising.. and not to mention, my clothes will fit better!… so what’s the big deal??
Well, I’ve gotten out of the habit, so there’s that.
I have to find the time. I have to make sacrifices.
I have to find the energy. How the hell am I going to manage that? Just thinking about it, takes up energy.
There goes the comfort food. Ugh.
Oh… by the way… bad food causes inflammation, which causes pain, which will be worse without Lyrica. Soooo…. no more comfort food, like ever.
Working out requires getting sweaty… and honestly I hate sweat… sounds silly, but that’s one of the reasons why I decide not to work out 😬
I have to be disciplined and consistent… and well… sometimes I like to let self-will run riot… and those two things go out the window when that happens.
From what I understand, the lower the dose you’re on, the harder it is to get off. Meaning, the side effects are that much worse. (Before I go any further, I want you to know that I clearly understand that everyone’s body is different, and not everyone has a hard time. However, I’ve been prescribed many medications over the years and getting off of them have always proved to be difficult – one time I ended up in the ER getting a psychological evaluation. Yeah.. that was fun.) With that being said, I belong to a Facebook group that is solely for people dealing with the Devil, Lyrica. People have described their experiences trying to get off Lyrica. These are people who’ve detoxed from many drugs, prescription drugs and hard drugs, and many have claimed it to be the hardest. And that worries me because of what I’ve already experienced just titrating from 150mg/day to 100mg/day.
Some of these things include:
mood swings
cold sweats
irritability
loss of appetite
anxiety
depression
hatred of myself and others
horrible brain fog
muscle cramps and spasms
nerve pain
headaches
loss of interest
restlessness
insomnia
the list goes on…
So these are actually things that I’m fairly accustomed to, just from dealing with my different health issues… but these things go to the EXTREME when getting off Lyrica, so the thought of dealing with those things on steroids EVERY SINGLE DAY, ALL DAY LONG, really isn’t that appealing – if you can believe that. Like… the thought of dealing with all that and going to work every morning, and continuing to exercise, and keeping my commitments, and cleaning my apartment, etc… ugh. I can’t even think about it. I never thought I’d be detoxing at five years sober, but here I am… about to go through Lyrica withdrawal, of all things 😑
I could go on for days about all my fear, but I’ll spare you and keep it short…
ABOVE ALL, I’m afraid of failure. I’m scared I won’t be able to do it. I’m scared that I’ll be a slave to Lyrica forever. Contemplating this very thought gives me so much anxiety.
I know I have to find the silver lining in it all, even if I have to mine for it.
If nothing else, I can use my experience to help others. And that might be the most beautiful silver lining of all.
Until next time…
Hugs and love 💕
11.29.18 – I did it! It only took me six weeks from my last post to walk through my fear and publish this. Whereas, it took a year the entry before. I’d say that’s progress!
So in my last entry, I said I wouldn’t let it go another 10 months before writing another entry. Well… it’s been nearly a year. If only I had a dollar for every time I’ve thought about making an entry…
The perfectionist in me, the part of me that wants you to think so highly of me, wants to hide under the covers out of embarrassment. At times, the fear of what others think of me is overwhelming. But when I take a step back and take a deep breath, I remember that I’m human, that I’m not perfect, and that it really doesn’t matter what you think of me. I didn’t start this blog to impress people. I didn’t start this blog as a business venture. I started this blog because I needed an outlet, a therapeutic way to process my experiences. In all honesty, yes, I started this for myself. I could use a journal to process everything, but by sharing my life publicly, I can hold myself accountable. I can face my demons head on, and by exposing my raw thoughts and being vulnerable and open about my life, I can in turn truly experience my feelings and emotions. If this happens to help someone along the way, that would just be an added bonus… and even if it helps just ONE person, it will have all been worth it.
I have so much anxiety in my chest knowing that I’m eventually going to post this, and I fear what’s going to happen when I hit “publish.” Is anyone going to read this? Are people going to think I’m dumb? Is anyone going to comment? Are people going to run to their friends and talk about how weird I am? But as I take a deep breath, I remind myself that none of that matters. What matters is that I’m taking action and facing my fears. Every time I find the courage to walk through fear, the freedom and joy I experience on the other side is indescribable. That’s what I call a silver lining.
Now that I’ve expressed some of my fears, I want to fill you in on what I’ve learned over the last 12 months.
I experienced work stress like I never have before. It started to affect every aspect of my life. I would come home from work mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I even broke down in tears a few times. It affected my relationships and took a toll on my health. I started getting migraines again, multiple times a week. With everything going on, I started praying a lot more.
What did I learn? I couldn’t do it on my own. I needed God’s help.
Silver Lining: My relationship with my Higher Power grew tenfold.
In talking with my family doctor, she described what needed to happen before I continued to decrease my Lyrica. She said I needed to clean up my diet and get in really good shape. After that appointment, I was left with mixed feelings. On one hand, it was a relief to know she felt alright about me staying on my current dose for the time being. On the other hand, how in the HELL was I going to be able to get in shape, when I was so exhausted after work and could only find it in myself to change straight into my pajamas when I got home.
What did I learn? I needed an attitude adjustment.
Silver Lining: I was able to have an attitude of gratitude and find perspective – I still had a job. I was physically able to work. Eating better and working out would only make me healthier. I had done it before – I can surely do it again.
After looking for jobs on and off for months, I finally had the strength and courage to move forward in pursuing other opportunities. By the grace of God, I landed the perfect position and was able to escape the fiery pits of hell. I wish I would have left long before. However, if I had, I wouldn’t have come across this amazing opportunity.
What did I learn? Well, this one I already knew… but I can always use the reminder: God’s timing is ALWAYS perfect.
Silver Lining: By staying at my old job for as long as I had, I grew so much as a person and employee. I gained more patience, love, tolerance, understanding, and compassion. I learned how to make the best of the situation I was in. My co-workers became my family – we were all in it together. Lastly, if I hadn’t stayed at my previous job for as long as I had, I wouldn’t have the gratitude and the appreciation for the job I have now.
With all that being said, I’m ready to move forward. I’m ready to get in shape. I’m ready to clean up my diet. I’m ready to beat Lyrica! I’m so ready to do this! I’ve survived 28 years on this planet, and I’ve overcome many obstacles… If I’ve made it this far, I can make it through anything. The beauty of it all is that I don’t have to do it alone. I have a wonderful support group that will be with me every step of the way. And of course… The most important one on my side is God, and I know everything will happen in His timing. Today, I can trust in God’s timing, for experience has shown me that it’s always perfect.
This brings me to my final thoughts…
When I think about the task ahead of me, the fear is crippling. Why is the fear crippling? Read my next entry, and you’ll find out exactly why.
P.S. No, you will not have to wait another year to read it… because my next post has already been drafted. It’s about time I continue walking through fear.
💗 Hugs & Love 💕
09.24.18 – Yes, that’s when I finished this blog entry. It took me until October 16, 2018 to find the courage to hit “publish.”
This is not what I pictured my Wednesday night looking like… facing one of my biggest fears, FEELINGS.
I have been running from this blog post ever since December 2016 when I wrote my first entry. I don’t want to do this, but I know it’s what I need to do… I’ve known it for a while now, but each time I’ve thought about it, I just stuffed it… stuffing, whether that’s stuffing food or stuffing feelings, both unhealthy habits really.
Which it’s actually quite funny that I mentioned food because in about 20 minutes, I’ll be leaving for dinner… and will probably cope with my discomfort by stuffing, my face that is.
Until then…
I don’t even know where to begin… my thoughts are all over the place. I don’t have a subject, theme, content, ideas.. anything… I have no idea what letters are going to be typed next. That actually brings me to a thought
17:29
Shoot, I thought I got lucky for a second… my internet closed on me, and I thought everything was erased, and I’d be off the hook… but I’m not that lucky.. kinda forgot this is 2017, and stuff just saves on its own whenever it wants 8-|
Back to that thought… I was going to mention the fact that it’s not just letters that I don’t know which are coming next… but that applies to everything in life.
So what’s next?…
Well, something just dawned on me – the time that lapsed while my internet closed out and pulling up the site again, I actually REMEMBERED what thought I was talking about. That brings me to my next point (which I don’t even think I’ve made a point yet, but that’s besides the point)…
17:36
What has happened since my last post, back in December 2016??? *sighs and shakes her head* …
Well, aside from moving out, the ‘rents moving away, getting a full time job, my sisters moving back to town, turning a year older, among others… I’VE MANAGED TO DROP 25mg ON MY LYRICA!
And that right there my friends is what you would call a MIRACLE… if I ever doubted, I know for certain: GOD IS REAL.
I’m telling you guys, I’ve tried getting off of this drug for YEARS. Something happens though, when you turn your will and your life over to the care of God… I surrendered. I knew I could not do this on my own. I knew I could not beat this drug. So I asked for help, and not just help from my doctors, family, and friends, but from my loving and gracious God. When I surrendered, I actually gained some Power, and I knew I could do this…
17:45
OK – heading to dinner now… BRB
22:05
Aaaaannnddd I’m back. I’m extremely exhausted and just want to shower and go to bed, but I promised myself I would finish this entry.
So back to that Power I had mentioned… Why have I needed it?
I cannot do this physically.
I don’t have the energy.
I don’t have the strength.
I don’t have the endurance.
I cannot do this mentally.
Trying to grasp reality is absolutely exhausting.
The thought of taking this on is overwhelming.
I feel crazy.
I cannot do this emotionally.
I cannot even begin to describe the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on.
All I want to do is stuff my feelings.
The mood swings are no joke.
I cannot do this without spirituality.
If I have no faith, I might as well not even try.
I must believe: with God on my side, ANYTHING is possible.
Once I accepted the fact that I cannot do this on my own will-power, and I turned it over to God, things started to change… starting with my perception. I was able to let go of some of the anger. I was able to remind myself that NOTHING happens in God’s world by mistake. That if for no other reason, this experience will benefit me in the future and will allow me the opportunity to help someone. That if for no other reason, this is an opportunity for me to strengthen my relationship with my Higher Power. After all, I must keep my dependence on Him if I want to stand a chance at conquering this demon. I was able to remember my blessings, find some gratitude…
I’ve come so far from those days lying in a hospital bed back in Spring 2011… I was in such a dark place, and if there was a light at the end of the tunnel, it was very dim. I was scared and felt all alone. I would repeat the same two questions over and over again: “Why?” and “Why ME?” I just couldn’t understand… I was so young and was supposed to be living the most carefree years of my life, yet I was paralyzed, lost and isolated. I couldn’t see past those dark days. I didn’t have the ability to zoom out and look at the big picture…
Today, I’m able to zoom out. I am able to see how all the dots have connected. All of that pain and suffering prepared me for the days ahead of me. God knew I was going to need some faith for the things to come in this life. If I could make it through THAT, I know, without a doubt, I CAN make it through this.
Once upon a time, I never thought I’d be able to mine enough to find the silver lining… but after some time, God’s time that is (which is always perfect btw), my burdens were no longer problems… My perception started to change, and I found out that all along, my trials were actually blessings in disguise.
Today, I can ALWAYS find some gratitude, and things could ALWAYS be worse. Today, every day is a good day. Not every day is easy; some are extremely rough… and the days between December 4, 2016 and October 25, 2017, have been trying to say the least. I’ll tell you more about them later… and I promise it won’t be 10 months down the road =D … It’s just past my bedtime. Goodnight.
^^^ Raw unfiltered Chelsea, right now… you’re welcome
Until next time…
Hugs and Love,
Chelsea ❤
P.S. I know all that was scattered, but I just had to get it out… or else, it never would have happened… kthanksbye [23:19]
Mining for Silver Linings 