We got the call on my way home from my OB’s office. “We can get you into Baptist East in an hour.”
My husband, Joe, and I were 5 minutes away from home when we got the call. We went home, changed into comfy clothes, curled up in bed, and I started Googling… I had never heard of an Ovarian Ectopic Pregnancy or the drug, Methotrexate. This wasn’t the first time I’d received a diagnosis or been prescribed a medication, which I had little to no knowledge of. I’ve had health issues my whole life, so there was actually an odd comfort underlying everything. With that said, my research had begun. First, I started looking into Methotrexate treatment for Ectopic Pregnancy because this was the immediate concern. I saved the research of Ovarian Ectopic Pregnancy for later on.
As Joe and I were lying in bed trying to take everything in, people started texting us and asking how the doctor’s appointment went. We started sharing the devastating news, and I texted my boss and told her I wouldn’t be going into the office that day or the following day. I had no way of knowing what lied ahead, so I told her I was hoping to be back in the office that Monday. Looking back, it’s almost laughable.
PAUSE. – I’m pausing the story here because I’m having a hard time bringing myself to share these details. I know God has laid it on my heart to share this, and it’s no coincidence that it’s Baby Loss Awareness Week. There’s only a handful of people that know the details I’m about to share. Please hold me in your thoughts and prayers as you read what I’m about to share because it’s taking everything in me to relive this. Here goes nothing…
Joe dropped me off at the front entrance of the hospital, and I made my way to the Ambulatory Care Unit on the first floor, where he later joined me. I sat in the hallway all alone, waiting for a nurse to come take care of me. I was taken to one room at first, but there was a problem with the computer system. They tried to fix it to no avail, so they took me to a different room. Every time someone new came in my room, they offered their sympathies. I know they were trying to be nice, but honestly, the last thing I wanted to hear was a reminder of why I was there and for people to tell me sorry. I was polite though and just said, “It’s okay.” …I mean, what else was I supposed to say.
The nurse explained how everything was going to happen. She said she would have to draw a bunch of blood and send it to the lab to check all my levels and make sure they were in the appropriate range to administer the Methotrexate. Once the labs came back, they had to be approved by the doctor. Then, the medication would be ordered from the pharmacy. Once the medicine was ready at the pharmacy, my nurse would call the Oncology Unit and ask for a nurse to come administer the medication. Yes, you read that correctly – a chemo nurse had to administer the medication. Finally, I would have to wait a half hour before going home, just to make sure I didn’t have a reaction.
She started drawing my blood, and at some point I told her, “I’m about to pass out.” I was lightheaded and dizzy and started sweating. My vitals were out of whack, and I struggled to stay awake. They brought in blankets, gave me some apple juice, and reclined the chair. I so desperately just wanted to be home in my own bed, but unfortunately, I was going to be there for a while. From that moment on, it’s kind of a blur. I probably talked to Joe and tried to rest, but I’m honestly not sure what I did to pass the time. Hours later, my nurse finally came in and said everything was ready to go, and we just had to wait on the nurse that was certified to administer chemo. The nurse eventually came and gave me a shot in each buttock.. I think.. Again, it’s all a blur. I do remember asking her what to expect afterwards, and she said she didn’t know because she’d never administered Methotrexate for an ectopic pregnancy. No one there seemed to have had any experience with what I was going through, so once again, I was in the dark, lost and confused.
Finally, they gave me the OK to go home. When I got home, I started reading through the literature that was given to me about the drug and ectopic pregnancy. It was somewhat helpful, but it didn’t give me much insight on what to expect. I wanted to know what was going to happen, when I would start experiencing symptoms… You see, when Methotrexate is administered for this purpose, it’s supposed to break down the fetal tissue, and the mother’s body is supposed to naturally absorb the pregnancy. When I started Googling, I found all kinds of information regarding the side effects: everything from headache, abdominal pain, skin sensitivity, mouth sores, nausea, bleeding, hair loss, to lung inflammation, etc. Although there were numerous side effects, most everything I read made this process sound pretty painless overall, with mild side effects, and that it shouldn’t really affect normal everyday activities. I read that the bleeding shouldn’t be more than a period, and overall, it seemed like I’d be completely back to normal within a week, at most.
After my initial research, I was feeling hopeful that this wouldn’t be so bad. I kept researching because I really wanted to understand the ins and outs of an Ovarian Ectopic Pregnancy (OEP). I was surprised to find there’s not much information out there on this type of ectopic pregnancy. It is pretty rare though, so I guess it makes sense. Only 1 in every 50 pregnancies in the United States is ectopic. Most (95%) of ectopic pregnancies are located in the fallopian tube. Only 0.5% to 3% of all ectopic pregnancies are ovarian in nature. In other words, about 1 in every 17,000 pregnancies is an OEP. Of course, I would be one of them – go figure.
After learning about OEPs, I kept researching because I wanted to read about someone’s personal experience. I only found one story, but I still couldn’t relate because she started spotting early on and ended up having surgery. I couldn’t find a single account of anyone like me: discovered on first ultrasound, ovarian, treated with Methotrexate. Again, I was in the dark, all alone, just waiting to see what was going to happen…
The following is a detailed account of my experience, following Methotrexate treatment. The italicized portions are excerpts from my journal.
Day 1 | Thursday – March 18, 2021
I was cramping and laid around all day, but it wasn’t too bad, until I got up to go to the bathroom. It was extremely painful, and it brought me to tears. I had to hold onto the towel railing.
Day 2
It hasn’t been great from the start. I got up and took a shower, but I started to get dizzy towards the end. I couldn’t turn the water off and get my towel quick enough – I had to lie down right outside the shower because I thought I was going to pass out… After that, I took it easy and laid around all day. By evening, I wanted to get up and get out of the house – Purdue was playing the 1st round of the NCAA basketball tournament so I asked Joe if he wanted to go to the Manhattan Project for dinner. He said yes and got in the shower. I started getting ready and felt kind of blah. I wanted to go to the bathroom real quick before we left.
I started going to the bathroom, and suddenly, it became very painful, and I started to cry. I asked Joe to turn on the bathtub. I got in the bath, turned on some music and just cried. Joe held my hand, as tears streamed down my face. I couldn’t help but think of the baby that was slowly dying inside me. I was experiencing tremendous heartbreak, but at the same time, I was so full of love for Joe and had so much gratitude for him in that moment…
That moment in the bathtub is probably one of the most raw, vulnerable, and intimate moments I’ve ever had. Joe and I held onto one another, cried together, and prayed together. As Joe looked at me, I could see the pain in his eyes – that helpless feeling of being unable to make everything go away. I couldn’t have asked for a better partner. God sure blessed me with the best.
Day 3
This was a decent day, definitely better than Friday. I was so confused though. I still hadn’t started bleeding yet. I kept waiting for something more to happen. Of course, dealing with the physical and emotional pain was difficult, but that wasn’t the hardest part for me. In all honesty, the hardest part was the unknown – not knowing what to expect, when things were going to happen, what was going to happen, when I’d feel normal again. I struggled going to the bathroom again, but I took another bath and made it through the third day.
Day 4
This has been the hardest day so far. I woke up in excruciating pain at 6:45 AM. It was all on my left side: abdomen, ovary, butt, and leg. I couldn’t get comfortable and kept moving around – bed, bath, bed, bathroom floor, love seat, bath, bed…
That morning ranks close to the top of one of the worst mornings of my life. The pain was unbearable. I really and truly thought I’d end up going to the emergency room. I’m trying to think of how to describe the pain… I guess it was the worst charley horse x10 on the left side of my body, waist down. I was dizzy, my vision was blurry, the room was fuzzy, my hearing was muted, I couldn’t take a deep breath,
Day 5
I have fear and anxiety – I don’t know why. I’m depressed. I’m just experiencing all kinds of thoughts and emotions – I can’t make sense of them, but I don’t think I need to. I think I’m just going to be on a roller coaster for a while, and that’s ok. I’m incredibly grateful for Joe. I don’t even know where I’d be without him. He told the kids last night – they were sad…
I had my follow up visit with my OB, which is the first time I’d seen him because I saw my nurse practitioner on the day of the ultrasound. My OB explained the ectopic pregnancy, did a quick exam, and told me it was too early to tell if the Methotrexate was working. I had more bloodwork done, and he told me to come back Wednesday for an ultrasound and more bloodwork. He told me if things looked good on Wednesday and my HCG was dropping, there was a chance I could still go to California for Spring Break with Joe and the kids. He said I could have bloodwork done on Friday, and if my HCG was below 1,000, my risk of needing emergency surgery would be down to 10%.
Joe and I had a trip planned to California; we were taking the kids for Spring Break. Unfortunately, my HCG continued to rise after the first round of Methotrexate, and it wasn’t safe for me to make the trip to California. In fact, I had to schedule another round of Methotrexate. Joe and I had a terrible decision to make – whether or not he and the kids would still go to California. I felt in my heart that he needed to take the kids on vacation. I wanted the kids to enjoy spring break, and our house would’ve been a depressing place to spend it. Honestly, I wanted it for me, too. I finally started bleeding on day six, and things continued to get worse. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be able to cry out in pain without worrying about anyone hearing me. I would certainly miss Joe and the kids so much, but I knew deep down this was the best decision. Joe struggled with this and had a terrible time leaving me behind, but I kept reassuring him it was the right thing.
Day 11 | Sunday, March 28, 2021
I’m sitting here waiting for Joe to text me and tell me they made it to California. It’s been a hard day. It started at 9:00 AM with an 8 on the pain scale. I’ve been avoiding writing all day. It’s been hard – physically and emotionally. I’ve never cried this many days in a row. Today is #11 of crying and #5 of bleeding. Tomorrow, I go back to the hospital for another round of Methotrexate.
I got my second round of Methotrexate, and I experienced symptom after symptom. The bleeding part… Yeah, it wasn’t just a period for me. It was a good 3+ weeks of bleeding. When I was at the hospital waiting to get my second round of Methotrexate, I actually bled through 3 thick pads, all the way through my pants… That’s the first day I wore a pull-up. Yep, I was glad Joe and the kids weren’t there for that. I felt disgusting and was in so much pain. I would scream out in pain every trip to the bathroom. Certain movements caused incredibly sharp and shooting pains. This went on for weeks, to the point where my doctor considered surgery. He offered me surgery to end the misery, but I told him I wanted to stick it out, unless he felt it absolutely necessary. Luckily, it didn’t come to that. I made it through Joe and the kids being away. Joe was constantly checking in on me, as I passed my time hanging in “The Pit”… This is the nickname Joe came up with for our bed. We passed a lot of time in the pit together, and we still call it The Pit to this day.
Day 23 | Friday, April 9, 2021
I’m sitting on my bed, watching Caribbean Life on HGTV, dreaming about a life I wish I had. I’m feeling stuck – not back to myself physically, mentally, emotionally – but that’s to be expected. I’m absolutely miserable, depressed – have to force myself to do any/everything… I took a break because Joe came up here and asked if I wanted to go for a walk, so I put on my ripped jeans, a striped vneck, and some flip flops… The medical assistant from the doctor’s office called to tell me my bloodwork looked really good. I pulled up my results, and my HCG went down to 146, so that’s good. It was a bittersweet feeling. Things are going in the right direction, but it’s a constant reminder that I’m not pregnant.
I’m on quite the roller coaster. It’s about time I write a blog entry, as I’ve been off Lyrica for a year now. But writing a blog entry will open the door to getting in touch with my feelings, which will ultimately lead to a post about the pregnancy.. which will expose me.. But I think I’m ready to put myself out there – Hell, might as well show off my creations… I’m ready to be exposed for all that I am, might help someone, but most importantly, I won’t be alone in my feelings, as they’ll be out in the open.. never know what good might come from it…
Before everything was said and done, it took…
- 9 doctor’s appointments,
- 3 ultrasounds,
- 10 rounds of bloodwork,
- 2 hospital trips,
- and a good six weeks to feel human again.
I certainly didn’t want to share any of this, but I want other women out there to know they’re not alone. Although I’ve yet to find a woman that’s experienced the same circumstances, I’ve had several women reach out about the loss of a pregnancy, and for that, I’m grateful. Grief, hormones, physical agony, and mental illness all wrapped in one have made things incredibly difficult. Thank you to everyone who’s been there for us and reached out to us. I’ve experienced a lot of pain and sadness, but overall, I’m at peace. Joe and I have a lot of gratitude and completely trust in God’s plan for us. Life is incredibly beautiful, when I choose to mine for silver linings, and I can’t wait to tell you all about them in my next post 🙂
Until next time…
Hugs & love ❤
Chelsea
Mining for Silver Linings 